


get your thighs out for the lads

by palomeheart



Series: pff bingo 2019 [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2018 Era (Phandom), Behind the Scenes, DanAndPhilGAMES, M/M, Rated m for mentions of shark penises (better safe than sorry?), breath of the wild - Freeform, no actual shark penises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 13:54:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21162722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palomeheart/pseuds/palomeheart
Summary: Phil is a menace to all of Hyrule and Dan can't just sit idly by (behind the scenes ofDan vs. Phil: ZELDA OLYMPICS!)for the bingo squares 'video behind the scenes' and 'writer's choice: gaming channel'





	get your thighs out for the lads

**Author's Note:**

> This entire thing is just an excuse to shame Phil for his botw playing style and honor his thirst for Link, and probably a number of other characters in the game. I take no responsibility for the shark husband statement, or any statements thereafter. Phil's spirit possessed me and forced me two write that sharks have two penises. He is entirely to blame.
> 
> Hopefully this is enjoyable if you haven't played any Breath of the Wild, but I've included some links in the body of the story for anything that might be better understood with some context (including an incredibly skillfully shot video by yours truly).

“Are we the lads?” Dan asks once Phil’s finished his musical rendition of ‘get your thighs out for the lads.’ He lets a flash of amusement through before morphing his face into the patented slightly exaggerated look of consternation. “I don’t– I don’t want to be the lads right now.” 

He pauses for a beat, trying to keep his face still in case they decide to cut out Phil thirsting over Link’s legs, but Phil carries on, apparently unconcerned. They probably won’t want to, Dan realizes. It’s far from the most shocking thing to come out of Phil’s mouth in the last month, with gamingmas behind them. Or the rest of Phil’s dirty minded life, honestly. 

It’s more muscle memory at this point than anything else. 

Dan picks up the thread of Phil’s continued game explanation, finishing his sentence for him. This is second nature by now too, pretending like he hadn’t gotten lost for a second or two running through a timeline of several years’ slow progress, their gradual loosening. A mental flick of his wrist to check his watch, consider if they’re there yet. Meanwhile Phil, as he often does, charges on ahead, and Dan’s happy to hitch a ride out of his own over analyzing.

They’ve already explained that Dan hasn’t watched Phil play any of Breath of the Wild so far, refusing to have anything spoiled, and just a couple minutes in Dan’s already struggling to stay neatly in the lines of the gaming channel personas. He wants to poke and prod and pick apart the absolutely chaotic evil—or horny—approach Phil takes to the game. 

Maybe he does, just a little. For the bants. They’ve got to keep the vultures fed after all.

So he questions the [strategically skin revealing outfit](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ce/53/b7/ce53b7d142c73173a4b89499c32dc7cd.jpg) Phil has chosen, comes up with some bullshit to fake justify Phil’s (horrendous) choice to keep the shorts on with the cold weather top and head gear, and restrains himself from reaching over to press y to _sort_ Phil’s _inventory_, for Christ’s sake. He resists the urge to grab the controller again five seconds later with a gentle joke about Phil’s lack of orienteering skills, a herculean effort considering Phil seemed to get lost for a second going essentially straight down from the tower. His horror at Phil’s lack of funds gets turned—with just the briefest of pauses to berate Phil for not farming enough monster parts to sell—into a joke and a wink about bringing in the dough some sort of way, if you catch his drift.

All in all, it's feeling like a pretty good video so far. Phil objectifies Link some more, attacks an NPC, and Dan alternates between playing along and joking about Phil’s reign of terror, caught between amusement at the Phil of it all and horror at the idea of actually playing this way. Link’s legs would be icicles by now, if this were real. Which Dan wants it to be. Or at least feel like it is. That’s the whole point. 

Phil, though, couldn’t care less and Dan had forgotten how simultaneously aggravating and stupidly funny it is to watch him run amok.

His composure slips a little, though, when they reach the second destination and Phil offers to let him pick the desert clothes. Probably because he anticipates the fit Dan would pitch if he had to watch Phil but together another mismatched outfit. Besides, the combination of the essentially topless desert gear and the strappy fabric scraps masquerading as shorts would probably be enough to distract Phil to a second loss, which won't help them get over the ten minute mark.

Dan gets distracted, though, from the excitement of a matching outfit—sans the gear, but honestly did anyone really expect Phil to think about accessorizing?—when he gets a closer look at Phil’s armor inventory. He pauses again before speaking, picturing a comment section full of outraged strangers berating him for being too mean to Phil. 

“Phil, for fuck’s sake, why have you upgraded your armor like this?”

“Like what?” Phil asks absently, clearly recognizing the pause and the lower tone and taking the opportunity to claim the controller back and toggle through the inventory screens, making sure everything’s set up alright and that he won’t be wasting any good shields on the sand racing.

“You’ve barely upgraded most of it! It must be useless in a fight against anything but a, like, red Bokoblin. And you’ve got some pieces of a set to three stars, but the others are still at the base level.”

“So?”

“So! Don’t you want to keep them all at the same level?”

“No.” Phil cocks his head, adopting an innocent pout he knows drives Dan mad. Why?”

“So they’re even!”

“I don’t care if they’re symmetrical, or whatever. I don’t want to go grinding for all of the stupid parts I need to upgrade them, so I just upgrade whatever I can whenever.”

“Except the barbarian armor. You’ve got—” Dan snatches the controller back to toggle over to the bow section, “_six_ Lynel bows, so you’ve clearly been farming those parts.”

“It increases your attack–”

“And gives you the best view of his legs without leaving him completely naked. I’m surprised you don’t just make him fight in his pants, defense stats be damned.” Dan laughs, but he’s met with a telling silence and he whips his head around to see a very sheepish looking Phil. “Oh my God! Please don’t tell me you do the—” Dan trails off as he opens the album with a few clicks, easily batting Phil’s protesting hands away. “Aha! Your album is full of [pictures of Link in his pants posing in front of Lynels and Hinoxes](https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/qYZuKwfUZjhM45qDPOC7fjYxWok=/0x0:1280x720/1720x0/filters:focal\(0x0:1280x720\):format\(webp\):no_upscale\(\)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/8124717/C6fHaigVYAAUl3m.jpg). You perv!”

“Why would they give you the camera if they didn’t want to use it?” Phil protests, finally grabbing the controller to exit back out of the menu. Dan levels him with what he hopes is a highly skeptical look, and Phil switches tracks. “Quit insulting my gaming technique and focus on the video. None of this has been usable.”

“Fine, but don’t think you’re off the hook!”

They wrap up the game with minimal squabbling after that. Phil loses the sand racing as well, unsurprisingly given the way he’s careening about the course, and Dan’s the one this to throw down the gauntlet this time. He mutters some bullshit about doing it to bank a favor for later on in the year, but really he just wants to see how shit Phil is at archery. And maybe show off how good he is at it.

Of course it doesn’t go quite that way. Phil manages to win the last round, because of course he does, the bastard. In the meantime, he threatens a little girl—bird, whatever—and uses his arrows with an alarmingly casual air for someone who had just been complaining about few arrows he had. Dan manages to not point out that maybe that’s how he’s burned through all of his money. 

Once they’ve finished the outro and tucked the stolen table leaf back into its corner, Phil shoots out a fist, tapping it expectantly against Dan’s hand.

“You know it’s your turn to do the breakdown,” Dan says while curling his hand into a fist, because he is a sucker and a fool. 

Karma’s on his side for once, though. He wraps his palm around Phil’s still clenched fist, then makes a show of getting up and stretching before placing a quick kiss to the top of Phil’s head.

“Gonna go play a civilized game of Zelda. Have fun with the files.”

It only takes Dan about 20 minutes to lose interest in his game, restlessly hopping between sidequests he doesn’t want to deal with yet and the shrine he’s been procrastinating for days now. The third time he’s killed by the same stupid lizalfos he quits his game and throws his controller to the side. He’s that particular brand of lonely where he just wants to be in the same room as Phil, even if that means watching Phil play a game he hasn’t finished. Maybe especially at the moment.

Phil jumps a bit when Dan enters the room, even though he’d made his footsteps heavy on the stairs to announce his arrival. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you didn’t want to ruin the immersion?”

Dan glances at the screen before sliding onto the far end of the sofa, unlocking his phone as he answers. “I’ve already done most of this region, I don’t think you’re going to spoil much for me. And I’ve decided you need supervision.”

Phil doesn’t question further and Dan doesn’t know if he’s glad for the company, or just recognizes Dan’s need for it. Maybe a little bit of both. Either way, he stretches his leg out until it’s just brushing against Dan’s foot and starts narrating his movement through Hyrule and his gripes with various NPCs. Dan lets his voice settle into a low background hum as he falls down a Wikipedia hole, until it raises back up into a whining buzz that snags his attention back to the room.

“Daaaaan. Solve this puzzle for me?”

“No, that’s cheating.”

“But I hate it. And it’s stupid. And I’ve already melted the ice cube like 10 times. The ice cube is my nemesis. It wants to kill me. Forget Ganon, I think this is the true final boss.”

“Here lies Phil’s Zelda,” Dan intones with an affected solemnity and a sharp emphasis on the Z, “brought down in the prime of his life, not by his mortal enemy, but by a block of ice. Perhaps if he had put on some proper trousers—” Dan lets out a grunt as a pillow whacks him in the head.

“Daaaaaaaaan,” Phil whines again, tossing his body at Dan this time and flopping dramatically over the sofa with a hand thrown over his eyes. It’s serious, then.

“Fine. But I haven’t done this one, so I’m sacrificing a lot for you, and I want you to know that. And I’m putting on the flameproof trousers too, he looks absurd like this and he’s going to burn his dick off. And you’ll have to live forever with the knowledge that you didn’t complete all 120 shrines yourself.”

“Fine by me,” Phil says, chucking the controller at Dan and shimmying halfway back to his side of the sofa, shoulder still resting against Dan’s thigh.

“Fake gamer.”

“Whatever. I was beating video games before you were even born.”

“I highly doubt that, Mr. ‘this is my Zelda’.”

“Your mum is Zelda– Dan!” Phil wails as Dan accidentally walks Link straight into a pit of lava.

“Don’t worry. I’m just getting my bearings.”

Two minutes later Phil asks if Dan’s still getting his bearings.

“Shut the fuck up, I’m trying to concentrate.”

“I don’t think that’s how you do it.” 

It’s most certainly not the way you’re meant to do it, as evidenced by the rapidly melting ice cube he’s meant to be delivering to the [shriveled old monk](http://orcz.com/images/thumb/8/81/BreathoftheWildMonkZaltaWa.jpg/400px-BreathoftheWildMonkZaltaWa.jpg) in the corner before it loses critical mass. 

“What does the monk," Dan grunts as he accidentally knocks the ice cube off the platform with the metal block he'd been trying to maneuver into a barrier against the flames," even need this ice for anyway? He can just go outside and have all the ice his desiccated heart desires.”

“I don’t think he can go outside. Maybe he just wants a nice glass of ice water. He does look a bit parched. Or maybe he’s got an ice kink.”

“Can you have an ice kink if you don’t have any nerve endings? What are you proposing he does with the ice? I mean I guess he doesn’t—balls!”

“Dan!” Phil wails as Dan manages to melt another stupid fucking ice cube that he’d left too close to the stupid fucking wall flames. “Just leave the chest, I don’t care about it.”

“But what if it’s an important item?” Dan asks, aghast. “If you want me to do this for you, you’re not allowed to critique my methods.”

“I just think your methods involve a lot more setting Link on fire than he’d appreciate.”

It takes Dan two more tries, but he manages to get the chest and the stupid monk his stupid refreshment, or sex toy or whatever it is Phil wants to imagine. Phil takes the controller back and, much to Dan’s chagrin, fast travels to another shrine seemingly at random, one of the many marked on his map with the little orange dot at the center indicating that he’d found it but never finished it. 

“You just do everything completely at random, huh?”

“No, I do everything I want to do, when I want to do it. Maybe I’ll go visit my shark husband, I haven’t seen him in a while,” Phil mutters to himself, opening up the map again. 

“Your what now?”

“You’ve done the elephant haven’t you? You must have met Sidon.”

“Vah Ruta? Yeah, I’ve done that. I just didn’t realize there was a dating option for the shark prince.”

“Excuse me if I’m _immersing_ myself.”

“Immersing yourself into an anthropomorphic shark, is it?”

“Mmm. Maybe the other way around. Did you know that sharks have two penises?”

“I do not want to know what’s in your AO3 history, mate.”

Phil pinches his leg and Dan drops a cushion on his head, then they settle back into the quiet rhythm of Phil playing the game, Dan scrolling on his phone. He’s not sure if it’s the rumbling of his stomach that finally rouses him or the obnoxious soundtrack of [Link’s repeated shouts](https://youtu.be/dE00RXEEp8k) as he falls into the abyss of the shrine Phil had decided to return to—after a quick visit to his shark boyfriend of course. Phil grumbles at losing his pillow, now fully draped across Dan, but brightens at the prospect of a stir-fry. 

Dan putters around the kitchen unhurriedly, smiling when he hears the telltale sound of Phil fast traveling out of the shrine after another pathetic scream from Link over the sizzling of the veg.

Dinner only takes 20 minutes, and as Phil hasn’t emerged from the lounge yet, Dan plates it up and brings it to him instead.

“Do you need my help with that shrine too?”

“No. I went to fight another Lynel instead.” Dan has to admit, as he watches Phil land two flurry rushes in quick succession, that he does seem to have gotten quite good at fighting what are probably the toughest monsters in the game, even if his shrine puzzle skills leave a bit to be desired. 

“Mate, you’re obsessed. Are you going to finish the shrine?”

“Maybe.” He hisses as Link gets clipped by the charging Lynel, opening his inventory feed Link one of his thousand simmered fruit dishes as he takes a bite of his own dinner. “This is good, thanks.”

“Maybe?”

“Yeah. It’s annoying. I hate the gliding ones.” 

“But you need all of the shrines to unlock a special outfit.” 

“Do the pants show off his thighs?” Phil attempts a wink as he shoves a piece of broccoli in his mouth and Dan almost wishes he’d taken a video of it to show the world what a dork Phil really is. Almost.

“Don't know, I haven’t gotten them yet, have I? No spoilers.”

“Fine. You can do it if you care so much.” He opens the map to fast travel again, then passes the control over. His mouth is full of food again by the time Dan closes the map, so his protests are muffled, but Dan gets the general gist.

“It’s more immersive to ride there.” 

“Link is a magic boy! He has a magic iPad that transports him all over Hyrule! That’s literally part of it.” 

“The views are nice.”

“I don’t even know where I left my horse. Are you literally going to walk to the nearest stable? That’ll take ages!”

“If you were a responsible horse owner you wouldn’t abandon your horse in the middle of nowhere. How’s it meant to get back?”

“The stable teleports it back for you,” Phil says with a vague gesture of his fork, a piece of capsicum dangling dangerously off of it. Dan shoves Phil's hand back over his bowl with a pointed look at one of the many stains on the couch.

“I’m not convinced. The horse doesn’t have a magic iPad, how are they transporting it? _Immersion_, Phil.”

“Whatever, you nerd.” 

“Perv.”

“Horse girl.”

“Monster fuck—Ow!” Dan yelps, twisting Phil’s hands away from the smarting skin of underarm. “If you want me to beat this shrine for you, you’re going to have to be nicer to me.”

Phil settles back against the sofa reluctantly, mostly quiet as Dan beats the shrine after only one fall. He’s still a bit grumpy when Dan hands back the controller, so Dan tells him about the post he’d seen on reddit saying that if you talk NPCs while Link is in his pants, some of them have different responses. Phil sits back up with an excited squeal, and Dan takes the opportunity to stretch across the sofa, propping his head against the armrest and his legs over Phil’s knees.

They spend the rest of the evening like that, Phil pouring more effort into finding all of the NPCs that will react to his nudity than he’s put into anything else so far, Dan watching with a wandering, fond eye, thinking maybe some spoilers are at least a little bit worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! You can [reblog it here](https://phanomeheart.tumblr.com/post/188569388432/get-your-thighs-out-for-the-lads-m-29k-phil-is) if you like.


End file.
